


Making It

by ficdirectory



Category: The Fosters (TV 2013)
Genre: Ableism, Abuse, Alternate Universe, Brain Injury, Cerebral Palsy, Disability, Disuphere Universe, F/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Protective Siblings, Trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-22
Updated: 2018-12-22
Packaged: 2020-01-07 04:13:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,725
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18402878
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ficdirectory/pseuds/ficdirectory
Summary: Mariana and Levi have loved each other as people since they met ten years ago.  Now, they’re roommates.  Now, they’re more than roommates…making their own life together.  This story contains spoilers for Found (story #5 in the Disuphere series.)





	Making It

“Tired?” Levi asks, as Mariana snuggles closer to him on the couch.

 

“I mean, yeah.  But not as bad as last year,” Mariana qualifies.

 

Christmas is officially over.  It’s been a year of firsts. The first time all The Avoiders could celebrate together - Fran included - and the first Christmas she and Levi have spent together, as an official couple.  A living-together couple.

 

(Now that she’s 32 and he’s 27, that insurmountable age gap that they’d had when they first met isn’t a thing anymore.  Besides, it’s taken both of them most of that ensuing decade to become comfortable enough to start dating for real, once Levi moved to California, and then for him to move in with her.)

 

“Still feels weird…” Mariana ventures.

 

“What’s that?” Levi asks.

 

“Not seeing my parents….” Mariana admits.

 

“Do you regret not going home?” Levi wonders.  “Do you wish you had?”

 

“More like...I feel...guilty?  Like I should have been there, and I wasn’t?  Because they probably had a crappy time without us…”

 

“But their happiness isn’t on you,” Levi points out gently.  “They’re your parents, so it’s their job to make sure their kids are happy.  Not vice versa.”

 

“I know...but at the same time?  Their happiness has always been on me.  And I didn’t even send them anything…”

 

“I didn’t bring my mom anything,” Levi points out.  “Because airfare killed me. She understood.”

 

“Yeah, but my parents expect it. They expect gifts.  They expect us to show up.”

 

“But the last time we did that, they were terrible to you…” Levi points out, sad.  

 

“Trust me, I remember…” But Mariana laughs a little.  Because last Christmas is not anything she would describe as terrible, compared to some of what she’s been through.  They were actually pretty civil. But then Stef made a comment, and that was it.

 

Because before they’d come?  Mariana and Levi had sat down and talked about having an exit strategy.  “ _ Like Four Christmases _ ,” Levi had said.  “ _ We have a code word or something - to say to let the other one know we’re done and we need to go. _ ”

 

“ _ I like the idea of having a plan…  What about...if we just...don’t feel safe?  If one of us doesn’t feel that then we can, like, squeeze a hand?  And then we can just say, “We have to go… _ ” Mariana had suggested.

 

But it hadn’t exactly gone that way.

 

Because Mariana had been exhausted trying to deal with the sensory overload of a billion people in her house.  And when Stef started telling funny stories about the kids? It was no surprise that Brandon, Callie and Jude were not featured in them, but Mariana, Jesus and Francesca all were.

 

Stef had barely gotten started on her favorite ‘Mariana story’.  According to Stef, the story went that early-on in her post-brain-injury recovery, a speech language pathologist had come in to do a preliminary evaluation of her speech.  Stef gleefully told everyone seated at the table that Mariana told the pathologist he stank.

 

(The actual story, thanks to resurfacing memories over the years, is quite different.)

 

Brandon had just jumped in to add to the story - he, his wife, Talya, and Moms laughing hard - when Levi stood abruptly.

 

“We have to go,” he’d said.  And that was that.

 

Moms were shocked.  They couldn’t believe Mari and Levi weren’t going to stay the night, like they planned.  They begged and pleaded, insisting to know if Mariana planned to come back in the morning for Christmas.

 

But, just like Mariana and Levi planned, she repeated, “We have to go.”

 

And they’d left.

 

There had been a stiff dropping-off of presents eventually last year.

 

And this year, they sent a big box of several presents for Mariana and Levi.

 

They’re under the tree, but Mariana hates looking at them.  Has really bad memories of opening gifts from Moms post-injury.

 

“What do you wanna do with that?” Levi asks, following her eyeline.

 

“Burn it?” Mariana offers.

 

“Damn the no open flames rule or I’d be totally on board…” Levi remarks, regretful.  “I get it, though. I don’t trust anything they give.”

 

“Do you really think what Stef said to me last year was that bad?” Mariana asks, curious.  “Because it really wasn’t…”

 

“You couldn’t see your face when she started talking about you.  Started laughing at you. And we said, if they disrespect you, we’re out.”

 

“I was glad Jesus and Fran left, too.  And Callie. And Jude.”

 

“Yeah, looked like it was about to be a small Christmas last year with just your moms and B and Talya…” Levi ventures.

 

“I wonder who showed up this year…” Mariana wonders.

 

“I don’t know.  Wanna go to bed?” Levi asks.

 

Mari pulls back.  “Not if it’s yours.”

 

“Okay.  Not what I meant.  But, my bad. I meant, I can totally throw that stuff in the Dumpster and then we can just call it a day.  By ourselves. In our own rooms.”

 

“Sorry...it’s just…” Mariana begins but she doesn’t know if any of the words will be there, or if now is the right time to have this conversation.  Instead of in the morning, when she’s clearer. And has coffee.

 

“Just what?” Levi asks.

 

“Thinking about Stef telling that story about me,” Mariana admits, quiet.  “I hate it.”

 

“I know.  I do, too,” Levi offers, sympathetic.

 

“Don’t.  It’s just…  You don’t need to do that.  I’m trying to say that I feel...cold...but not cold.  You know?”

 

“You want me to turn up the heat?” Levi offers.

 

“Levi.  I’m not actually cold.  It’s...I don’t know what it is, okay?  And that’s the thing. That’s why I didn’t wanna talk to you about this - because I can’t talk to anyone about anything.  So, whatever. I’m going to bed.”

 

\--

 

Mariana feels marginally better - safer - behind her locked bedroom door.  Knows Levi isn’t offended. Knows he locks his, too.

 

Hopefully, Levi won’t be too hurt in the morning, and they can try to have another conversation then.  But in the meantime, Mariana is exhausted but can’t shut her brain off. Great combination….

 

She video calls Dominique who’s probably still awake in her own apartment upstairs.

 

“Hey,” Dom says, after half a ring.  “What’s up?”

 

“Moms sent a box of crap…” Mariana seethes.  “And Levi and me...whatever…”

 

“Ooh,” Dominique winces.  “Which one you wanna talk about first?”

 

“None,” Mariana sighs.  “But I can’t sleep.” Finally, Mariana adds, “Crap box, I guess.”

 

“So, what are you gonna do with it?” Dominique asks.  

 

“I wanted to burn it,” Mariana insists and then feels like she might’ve been unforgivably rude, considering Dom’s history with fire.  Her face shows it.

 

“Mari.  It’s fine.  You can talk to me about burning your crap box from your moms, I’m not going to crumble into nothing,” Dominique insists.

 

“Well, I can’t anyway.  Rules and whatever,” Mariana says, disappointed.  “At least it’s good that Callie dropped it off after Jesus left.  There’s like...a lot of presents in there. More than I want.”

 

“That sucks.  Throw it away,” Dominique advises.

 

“I can’t.  I have guilt.”  (Which Mariana always feels in her stomach.  Which she felt on and off for years after Jesus came home.  Only he had taken her seriously. Moms accused her of faking it for attention.)

 

“Oh.  Well, the Dumpster’s always there if you change your mind,” Dom offers, and it’s a strange comfort.  “So, what about you and Levi?” 

 

Mariana’s quiet.  “I don’t know,” she finally offers.  “He’s so sweet...but he just...doesn’t get me?  So it’s hard.”

 

“This a communication thing?”

 

“Dom, when isn’t it?” Mariana quips.

 

“You fought ‘cause he didn’t get what you meant?” she checks.

 

“Basically,” Mariana admits, defeated.  “When I’m guilty...it’s a thing…”

 

“Like a trigger?” Dominique guesses.

 

Mariana nods.  “So I was feeling...some feeling...about that...and all I could say was cold.”

 

Dominique’s quiet for a bit.  Mariana can see she’s thinking.  “Like...maybe exposed? Maybe vulnerable?” she guesses.

 

“Yes, but he’s offering to turn up the heat.  The actual heat in the apartment, don’t look at me like that…” Mariana laughs.  “So anyway, now I’m in my room, and he’s in his room, and it’s whatever.”

 

“Well, listen, over the years, I’ve come to the realization that I want a relationship.  Someday. With somebody. But I’m probably gonna be, like, 60, when that happens. Lucky for me, in the meantime, I get to watch my folks do their marriage thing.  You wanna know one big thing they do?” Dominique questions.

 

Mariana yawns and nods.  “Sure.”

 

“It’s corny, but they both swear by it: Don’t go to bed angry.  Try to always put aside whatever the thing is - if possible, and if you can’t work it through right this minute - and make sure both of you knows that the other one hasn’t stopped caring.”

 

“Ooh...that’s good,” Mariana whispers.  “Well, that probably means I should hurry and text him before I fall asleep.  “Thanks. For your parents’ wisdom or whatever.”

 

“No problem,” Dominique nods.  “Night.”

 

\--

 

_ Mariana: _

_ So, I miss you. _

 

_ Levi: _

_ Miss you, too. _

 

_ Mariana: _

_ Talk tomorrow?  When there’s coffee? _

 

_ Levi: _

_ Definitely. _

 

\--

 

The next morning, Mariana wakes to the smell of their coffee pot brewing some Folgers Classic Medium Brew.  It’s a smell that makes her think of safe places. Like Grams’s and Grandpa’s house, where she and most of the sibs lived for almost two months after Jesus came home.

 

Mariana never came right out and said it?  But living there? Was probably the safest she’s ever felt in her life.  Until moving into actual apartment Avoidance.

 

She comes into the kitchen, squinting at the harsh light coming in through the open blinds.

 

“Really, sun?” she laments.

 

“Sorry.  Need them closed?” Levi apologizes.

 

“No.  I know you need your daylight.”  Mariana doubles back to her room and finds her sunglasses.

 

This time, as if by magic, there’s a leftover Christmas cinnamon roll and a fresh cup of coffee in front of her place at the table.  Levi has the same.

 

They eat in comfortable silence.

 

Levi waits until they’re both done with their cinnamon rolls to ask:  “Still wanna talk?”

 

Mariana nods.  She goes to the sink for a cloth to wipe her hands.  And then she’s back at the table. Picking up her phone.  Opening her texts:

 

_ Mariana: _

_ Sorry about last night.  I was triggered. Feeling vulnerable.  But cold was the only word I had...  _

 

_ Levi: _

_ Oh no.  I’m sorry, too.  Know it’s frustrating when I’m not tracking. _

 

_ Mariana: _

_ Was trying to tell you that.  Not looking for pity (not pity but…)  I was trying to tell you. _

 

_ Levi: _

_ You were trying to tell me you were triggered and feeling vulnerable? _

 

_ Mariana: _

_ Yes. _

 

_ Levi: _

_ So you needed me to listen, not sympathize? _

 

_ Mariana: _

_ Yes.  Please. _

 

Mariana sets down her phone.  She doesn’t want proof of what she’s about to say existing anywhere.  So she takes a deep breath and prays the words will be there:

 

“Some things are...hard...or complex or whatever, you know?”

 

Levi’s face is open.  He’s listening.

 

“It just...last night...because of the feelings...it kinda felt like everything was happening too fast..”

 

“Yeah.  That’s a thing I still gotta work on…” Levi admits.  “I rush even when I don’t know I’m doing it.”

 

“It was my trauma, too, though.  Not just you.” Mariana reassures.

 

“Yeah, but I also know by now, too, that things are harder for you when you’re tired.  So, maybe I should’ve known that and backed off?”

 

“You’re not a mind-reader,” Mariana allows, smiling.  She sips her coffee. It’s delicious. Warm and strong and rich.

 

“So...I didn’t, like, make you too mad, or anything?” Levi wonders, nervous.

 

Mariana knows this is his trauma, showing its face.  That he’s triggered when women lose their tempers.

 

“I wasn’t, Levi.  I was never mad at you.  Just frustrated,” Mariana tries to explain.  She starts to feel silly with her sunglasses on, but makes herself stop and take a breath before abandoning them altogether.  Levi’s not teasing her about them. He’s fine with her needing them. Mariana leaves them on.

 

“Okay,” Levi nods.  “I’m not mad either.  Just, you know...in case you were wondering.  I wouldn’t, like, leave, because we missed each other in conversation.”

 

Mariana extends a hand to him across the table.  Levi accepts.

 

He might not get everything.  But he gets enough.

 

\--

 

As it’s the day after Christmas and Levi and Mariana have several days off, they spend the day Levi’s favorite way: just hanging around together.

 

After they talk, it clears the air.  Mariana’s more relaxed.

 

It’s afternoon, when Mari hands him a slip of their grocery list paper (a gaudy white Santa face on the bottom).  He sees instantly what it is. Their method of checking in - of establishing and re-establishing boundaries.

 

_ Cuddling / Sitting close - Yes _

 

_ Holding Hands - Yes _

 

_ Short Hugs - Yes _

 

_ Long hugs - No _

 

_ Any / All Kissing - No _

 

_ Any / All Sex - No _

 

_ Nicknames - No _

 

_ Cuddling in bed - No _

 

_ Playing with my hair - No _

 

_ Touch without consent - No _

 

It’s a way they’ve come up with over the years to determine what each other is comfortable with at a given moment.

 

Mariana settles next to him on the couch, close, but not touching.  Levi knows why. He hasn’t given her his list yet.

 

So he takes a pen from behind his ear and starts to write his own list.

 

_ Cuddling / Sitting close - Yes _

 

(Mariana scoots closer.  Rests her head on his shoulder.)

 

_ Holding hands - Yes _

 

_ Kissing (Face / head) - Yes _

 

_ Hugs - No _

 

_ Rushing at me - No _

 

_ Asking / telling me to take off clothing - No _

 

_ Taking off my clothing - No _

 

_ Any / all sex - No _

 

_ Touch without consent - No _

 

_ Touching my hair - No _

 

Levi hands his list to her, trying not to be too worried that there are things on his  _ no  _ list that aren’t on hers.

 

Mariana takes her time reading Levi’s list.  Then, she braces it against her leg and signs her name at the bottom.

 

Levi breathes a sigh of relief.  Signs his name to Mariana’s list.  (Because signing it is saying they agree.)

 

“Wait.  I have a question,” he says, re-scanning her list and pointing to nicknames.  “So does this mean you only want to be called Mariana?”

 

“Or Mari.  Or Mar. Not Ana.  And not like food names.  I hate ‘baby.’ And ‘Miss Thang,’ and ‘Crash…’” Mariana admits.

 

“Yeah, I recognize the last two.  From your moms. I won’t call you any of those,” Levi tells her.

 

“Thanks,” Mariana breathes.  

 

Levi adds a note beside where Mari’s written nicknames.

 

“Do you feel sad...that I can’t kiss you right now?” Mariana asks.

 

“No, I’m glad you told me,” Levi says.  “I’d be sad if you, like, said you _ were  _ comfortable with it, just because you knew  _ I _ was.  We don’t have to be the same at everything.”

 

“Yeah, boundaries are different for everybody…” Mariana muses.

 

“Oh, can I have mine back?  To add something?” Levi asks.

 

Mariana hands it to him.

 

Levi writes:

 

_ Manipulation - No _

 

Mariana checks it out.  Goes quiet.

 

“What?” Levi asks.

 

“So, I kinda have a history with this one…” Mariana shares, feeling the guilt again.

 

“How so?” Levi answers, careful.

 

“Like...sometimes...I had to manipulate...to get what I needed.  You know, as a kid? Even as a teenager, sometimes, I’d find myself doing it.  To kinda keep myself safe.”

 

“Have you done it to me?” Levi asks, serious.

 

“No.  I generally feel safe with you...so I don’t feel like I have to do that.” Mariana admits.  “I’m just saying...it’s been a thing before.”

 

“So...I know verbal cues aren’t really your bag.  Could you let me know somehow if you feel like you have to do that?”

 

“Like how?” Mariana wants to know.

 

“Literally any way you can.  If you having that blanket around your shoulders means you’re feeling like that, I’ll know it, and give you space.”

 

“Or tell me I’m safe?” Mariana asks.

 

“Yeah.  Or that,” Levi nods.  “I can definitely do that.”  Levi adds a note at the bottom of Mariana’s list:  Pink blanket = tell Mari she is safe.   “To be honest, mostly I mean with food?  Like...obviously any manipulation won’t feel good, but my thing is specific to food.”

 

“How?” Mariana wonders.

 

“Don’t use food to get me to do something..” Levi admits, quiet.

 

“S’more bait…” Mariana remembers.  “From the cabin. It’s that, right?  Don’t use something I know you like...to bait you into something.”

 

“Yeah…” Levi clears his throat.  It’s been years, but some triggers are still just as real as they were when he first started dealing with them.

 

Mariana sits up, and Levi sees her adding to his list.

 

“Thanks,” he says.

 

“Boundaries are rights.  They’re supposed to be respected,” Mariana tells him.  “You don’t have to thank me.”

 

“Okay.  Can we...pause the boundary-talk for now?” Levi asks, standing up.

 

“Yeah,” Mariana agrees.

 

“I mean, I’m glad we had it,” he amends.  “But I just…”

 

“Need a break?” Mariana asks, knowing.

 

“Yeah, kind of,” he nods.

 

Mariana takes his hand.  Squeezes.

 

\--

 

Mariana heads into her room and leaves the door ajar, so Levi knows she doesn’t need absolute privacy right now and is not shutting him out.

 

But she’s not in here five minutes before Levi seems to take it that way.

 

“So...do you need space from me or something?” he asks.  “Mariana?” he asks when she doesn’t glance up from her laptop screen immediately.

 

“What?” she asks.

 

“I just meant I need a break from talking about boundaries.  Not a break from you.” Levi clarifies.

 

“Oh.  So, what do you wanna do?” she asks, getting off her bed and walking to the hall where he stands.

 

“Wanna go bother Jesus and Dom?” Levi asks.

 

“I always wanna do that,” Mariana smiles and they board the elevator together.  Mariana knocks on Jesus’s door, and Levi knocks on Dominique’s.

 

“She’s not gonna let you in,” Mariana points out.

 

“I’m not gonna ask to come in,” Levi retorts.

 

Dominique pulls open her door just as soon as Jesus opens his for Mariana.

 

Levi waits for Mariana to disappear inside and then asks:

 

“Wanna go to Avoidance or something?”

 

“Let me get my coat,” she nods.

 

\--

 

Avoidance is different in the winter.  Still sunny, but the wind is cold. When just Levi and Dominique come out here, they sit on one side of the picnic bench and face out.  The same way they used to talk to each other.

 

“You remember Dock Talks?” he asks, a small smile on his face.

 

“I do.  Who came up with that?  Sounds like a Levi thing…” Dominique teases.

 

“What does a Levi thing sound like?” he quips.

 

“Cute.  Like, naive.  Young,” she ventures, her tone playful.

 

“Alright, alright,” he says, a little amused, a little frustrated.  “Except I’m not that young anymore. I’d come up with a way better name than Dock Talks…”

 

“So what’s up?” Dominique asks.

 

“Just life I guess…” Levi says, knowing better than to air out his personal issues with Mariana here.  But also knowing he needs other input. He can’t have just Mariana as his entire world. He sighs. “I’m afraid of being manipulated.”

 

Dominique doesn’t say anything.

 

“And it’s like…  It hasn’t been a thing for a long time but now I’m kinda freaking out, because what if it is?  What if it becomes a thing?”

 

“Worst case scenario.  It is a thing. Then what?  What would you need?” Dominique asks.

 

“I’d need...to know I could set boundaries.  Stick to them. And have that not be the thing that breaks everything…  And I need to be able to say that to Mariana…”

 

“So, why is she at Jesus’s right now, and you’re here?” Dominique asks.

 

“Because romantic relationships...they’re loaded.  They freak me out. I mean...in confidence...this is kinda my first?  And I don’t totally know what I’m doing. The only thing I know that comes close to that is some messed up thing that happened when I was a kid, and I don’t want a repeat of that…”

 

“That was abuse.  That had nothing to do with a romantic relationship.  If you think about it more as an interpersonal relationship, I think it helps.  It’s more objective. Like, really, whether it’s friendship or romance or a sibling, it’s about connection and respect.”

 

“I like that,” Levi nods.

 

“Okay so...go talk to Mariana…” Dominique encourages.

 

“Are you trying to get rid of me?” Levi asks, a slight smile on his face.

 

“I’m trying to keep y’all’s stuff in your lane.  That’s not saying we can’t still have a friendship.  And I don’t mind being the fount of all wisdom because my parents are still in love and married after a billion years, but...you need to learn how to talk to Mariana about this.”

 

“But talking’s so hard…” Levi practically whines.  “I’ve got, like, major trauma stuff when it comes to talking about boundaries…”

 

“And Mariana knows that.  She gets that. So go talk to her,” Dominique encourages.  “You can do this.”

 

\--

 

When Levi walks away, Dominique sits and breathes.  

 

She thinks about her own journey and how it’s ironic how she’s become the relationship expert, considering that once upon a time, she’d been convinced that she would never, ever love anyone.

 

But over the years that has slowly begun to change - to the point where - like she told Mariana last night - she might be comfortable in an actual romantic relationship in 30 more years.

 

She and Pearl even did a Dating in the Dark event together, with each other as backup.  (The dark was an advantage for others, who might preemptively judge Dominique as soon as they saw her scars, and also, because Dominique did not necessarily have to deal with the visual triggers that might usually present themselves.)  Pearl agreed only to see if the people were possible matches for Dominique, personality wise. While Dominique hasn’t been able to follow up with any of them, she considers it a step.

 

There’s been a handful of times when Dominique’s spoken to men.  Usually, when Francesca’s with her, and she’s feeling brave and secure.  The first had not gone as she intended:

 

_ “Nice jacket,”  _ she remembers complimenting a man walking into the restaurant where she and Fran were about to eat.

 

He’d smiled and nodded her direction.  And Dominique had felt like,  _ This is going well. _  Until thirteen-year-old Francesca had piped up and asked: 

 

“ _ Why were you just flirting _ ?”

 

“ _ I wasn’t _ ,” Dominique remembers objecting.  “ _ I was complimenting his jacket _ .”

 

“ _ And you were flirting.  Kids do it at school all the time _ ,” Fran had insisted, dipping a French fry in her shake.

 

So, seven years later, and Dominique’s learned to dial back what she’d leaned on as a kid - what she’d been taught - and instead tried to relax and be herself.

 

Every year or so, Dominique gets brave enough to try again and each time it goes a little bit better.

 

She’s still not anywhere near romantic relationship ready, but the conversations are getting easier.

 

\--

 

It’s later that night before Levi and Mariana have the chance to really touch base again.  Back on the couch, and sitting close but not touching, Levi takes a breath. “I’m afraid of being manipulated,” Levi says it softly.

 

Mariana turns.  Studies him. Her eyes are troubled.

 

“I’m glad you told me.  I wanna know that stuff.  But I also need to know that if...if it were to happen...I could set boundaries, and you’d respect them.”

 

Mariana nods.  “I would.”

 

“And I need to know we wouldn’t, like, break up because I said no to something…” Levi shares.  God, he’s so nervous right now.

 

“We wouldn’t,” Mariana insists.  “Setting boundaries is a good thing.  A thing we need in our relationship, or it won’t work.  It won’t be safe. For either of us.” She pauses for a long time.  “It’s hard because both of us have had our boundaries violated in big ways.  So, we kinda expect that.”

 

“Right,” Levi nods.  “Was Jesus okay, post Christmas?”

 

“Yeah, he was in there with Fran and Pearl.  Watching holiday British Baking.”

 

“Ooh.” Levi breathes.  “We should do that.”

 

“Have you seen that show?” Mariana objects.  “I don’t know what any of that stuff is they make.”

 

“But we could make our own stuff,” Levi objects.

 

“You really want to?” Mariana asks, dubious.

 

“Not right now, no.  But sometime.” Levi admits.  He likes being in the kitchen.  It reminds him of good times with his Mom and Dad.  

 

“Did it help to talk to Dominique?” Mariana wonders.

 

“It did,” Levi nods.  

 

Mariana laces their fingers together.

 

\--

 

Two days later, they have dinner together.  Not just the two of them. They do that every night.  But all of The Avoiders. Now that they’re all in one place, they can do that.

 

Mariana and Levi both need to maintain their connection to The Avoiders.  They can’t let their world shrink down to just each other. And it’s hard.  As a twin, it’s really hard. To figure out what’s a thing Mari should tell Jesus?  What should she tell Levi? What should she tell both of them?

 

Most guys Mariana knows wouldn’t stand for being second to another guy - even her brother.  But Levi’s not the same as most guys. He gets that Mariana and Jesus have a whole shared history together.  That Mariana helped Jesus survive the worst time in his life, and vice versa.

 

“I just...kinda wanna know this relationship is different…” was all Levi had asked.  “Like, I know you and Jesus hold hands and you have deep talks. But I don’t wanna be your sibling.”

 

Mariana had wrinkled her nose.  “I don’t wanna be yours. Besides, I don’t cuddle on the couch with Jesus.”

 

“Oh.  Okay,” Levi had answered, and seemed happy enough.

 

Mariana’s trying to get up the gumption to get things cleaned around here, but executive dysfunction is real, and she doesn’t know how to even start.

 

Levi puts a few drops of essential oil in the crockpot full of hot water, and suddenly it smells like an orange grove in here.

 

“You wanna start on the dishes?” he asks as she stands up. The citrus jolt makes her feel like she can do this.  “I can start on the bathroom.”

 

“You sure?” she asks.  “I know that’s not your favorite.”

 

“Yeah, I’ll keep the door open, so I don’t choke on fumes.”

 

“Good idea.” Mariana nods.  And together, they make sure their place is presentable, as it has the most room, and they’re the two that are comfortable with having company in their space.  (Dominique, who has the other two bedroom, also doesn’t have a kitchen table, or a high tolerance for a lot of people, or men, in her space.)

 

“Is Pearl cooking or Jesus?” Mariana asks.

 

“Or Michael?” Levi wonders.

 

“Michael,” they both sigh, because, even though they love their siblings?  Michael is the best cook, no contest.

 

Jesus is the cook, it turns out, and he brings stuff for tostadas, which Mariana didn’t used to be the most thrilled about.  Authentically Mexican stuff used to really trigger her Ana-trauma. But, Ana never actually made tostadas. So they’re a nice, separate memory.

 

They eat around 5 PM because Jesus still copes best if he can predict when food is going to be there.  The Avoiders all know when to arrive by now. Well, this is Fran’s first official time joining. Which means she’s late.  But they don’t hold it against her.

 

“I can get her,” Mariana volunteers and goes to get on the elevator and rides to the second floor.  She walks down the hall and knocks on the door.

 

“Hey.  Come down for dinner.  You still want to, right?” Mariana checks.

 

Francesca comes to the door, breathless.  “Do I have to dress up?”

 

“No.  Literally none of us dress up.  Except Jaimie if she’s just back from work or something.”

 

“Oh.  Okay. Because I was, like, trying to convince myself that I’d have to bust out the Passion Plum lipstick.”

 

“Not unless you want to,” Mariana reassures.

 

“What are we having?” Fran asks, as she locks the door behind them.

 

“Jesus brought tostadas.”

 

“Oooh, yum.  I love tostadas,” Fran insists.

 

“You love everything,” Mariana laughs.

 

“Well, I mostly love hanging out with you.  I can’t believe that we can actually eat together for real instead of just talking on video chat for, like an hour each week…”

 

“That sucked…” Mariana ventures, as they get on the elevator.

 

“Yeah, this is way better,” Fran agrees.

 

“Hey, does Giselle know she’s welcome to join us?” Mari asks.

 

“She does.  She’s just...not really a big group person?  I think they kinda intimidate her a little. So she’s staying in.”

 

Mariana opens the door to her apartment with Levi and instantly feels at home.  Cozy smells. Friendly voices. They war inside with Mariana’s instant dread of sitting down to a meal.  (High stress back home.)

 

“Oh, my gosh!  The animals are here, too!” Fran gushes rushing over to pet them.

 

They gather wherever there’s an empty space.  Half of them around the table, the other half on their living room couch and chair, plates balanced on their knees.  (Michael, Jaimie, Levi and Jesus are without the table and Mari, Fran, Dom and Pearl, who could all use the stability of a table and firm chairs do that.)

 

No one minds or comments.

 

Jesus is happy to help Fran dish up, even though she could technically manage herself.  Levi doesn’t think twice about coming back with a plate for himself and one for Mariana.

 

The tostadas are delicious.

 

But what truly makes it an Avoider meal is the conversation.  And the fact that no one bats an eye when Dom and Fran pass a stress ball back and forth at the table.

 

No one makes rude comments when Mari has to excuse herself for a little quiet.  Fran comes too. They just hang out with their headphones, sharing Mariana’s laptop.

 

When they come back out, there’s coffee and coffeecake that Michael brought.

 

They sit and talk.

 

“How are you adjusting to living on your own?” Jaimie asks Fran.

 

“I mean, it’s kinda the best thing ever.  There’s not much adjustment. I have all the best neighbors, obviously.”

 

“Obviously,” Mariana echoes.  She’s settled in next to Levi on the couch.  It’s crowded, but not overly. Jaimie’s on her other side, so it’s not weird.

 

“How’s everybody else doing?” Michael wonders.

 

Mariana exchanges a glance with Levi. wondering if he’ll want to share, and if so, what.  She kind of wants to keep their stuff private. But she understands the need to process. Just doesn’t like the idea that their relationship could turn into a show for people to watch and judge.

 

(Or is she just thinking that way because Moms would watch and judge it?)

 

“Can we talk?” she asks.  

 

“Sure,” Levi nods.

 

“Jesus, can we borrow your apartment?” Mariana asks.

 

“Sure,” he goes to toss her his key, and Mari points to Levi.  Jesus corrects and Levi catches it effortlessly.

 

“We’ll be back…” Levi tells them.

 

They walk to the elevators in silence.  Ride up to the third floor. Mariana finds herself knocking, even though she knows Jesus isn’t inside, before she unlocks the door and lets them in.

 

All the lights are off but it’s just as homey in here as it ever was.  Whenever she comes in here, it reminds her of what a sanctuary it was to her when she really needed one.  She’d take epic naps on his futon. He’d make sure she ate.

 

It feels safe here.  Mari’s hoping Levi feels it, too.

 

“You okay?” Levi asks.

 

“Yeah, I was just…  I guess I wasn’t sure if you were going to talk about us?  Like, to The Avoiders? I don’t wanna be reality TV.”

 

“You don’t wanna be reality TV?” Levi asks, remembering that the best thing he can do when he misses her meaning on something is to repeat it back, so Mari can add to it.  Or clarify.

 

“Like...a show.  I don’t want us to be a show for them…” Mariana admits.

 

“We aren’t.  Are we?” Levi asks, concerned.  “Because I don’t want that, either.”

 

“It’s just that...to my moms and my grandma….we were totally a show,” Mariana admits.  

 

Levi cringes.

 

“Yeah.  Sorry.” Mariana apologizes.  Then, “I can kiss you if you want..”

 

“Do  _ you _ want?” Levi asks.  “‘Cause I don’t want you to feel like you have to.  I don’t need a guilt-kiss.”

 

“Mmm.  I guess I don’t know another kind…  Sad, huh?” Mariana admits. “I just hate that.  That Moms….made me feel like...when we’re in front of people,  I have to be ‘on.’ Like, in your family you shouldn’t feel that way, right?”

 

“No.  I mean, I didn’t in mine,” Levi admits.  “I feel ‘on’ a lot of places but at home I could just be me.  I’m sorry, were you trying to tell me something still? Did you need me to listen?”

 

“No, I asked,” Mariana reassures.  “But thanks for remembering. Sorry I offered to guilt-kiss you.”

 

“Thank you.  The only kisses I want are ones you want to give me,” he says.

 

“It’s so loud there, but I really want coffee and cake,” Mariana complains.

 

“Well, maybe they’ve toned it down?” Levi offers.  “Maybe we ask them to?”

 

“But isn’t that being rude?” Mariana asks.

 

“It’s ruder to expect you to deal with the sensory overload once a week, especially if it gets so bad you have to escape.  They can accommodate you. They want to. They’re Avoiders, Mari. Not your moms.”

 

“It’s fine.  I mean, not that it’s fine, but...I’m not ready to go back yet,” Mariana admits.

 

“We don’t have to,” Levi reassures.  

 

“But...I don’t want us to shrink...to...like...become each other’s whole world…” Mariana explains.

 

“It’s okay to just not be ready to go back.  It doesn’t have to mean our world is shrinking down to just you and me.  If you need a break, you need a break.” Levi says, matter of fact. Calm.

 

“I don’t know what I did without you here,” Mariana admits, swaying a little and catching herself on the table.

 

“You wanna sit?” he asks.  

 

But Mariana doesn’t, really.  The place she’d normally sit is the futon, which is basically a bed.  To have Levi there with her would feel too close to breaking a boundary - and having it all to herself would just feel selfish.

 

“A chair?” he offers, pulling one out for her.

 

Gratefully, Mariana sinks into it.  “Sorry.”

 

“You don’t need to apologize,” Levi tells her.  “You haven’t done anything wrong.”

 

“Yeah, but according to Moms?  All of this would be wrong.” Mariana explains.

 

“Us...alone in your brother’s apartment?” Levi asks, looking around.

 

“No.  That’d be normal.  The...bonusey things.  Extra special whatever that I’m requiring…” Mariana insists.

 

“Accommodations aren’t bonuses,” Levi tells her.  “I know you know that. And I know they didn’t always.”

 

“No,” Mariana shakes her head.

 

“They treated your valid needs like you were asking for special treatment.  When, really, you just need the same things they get automatically. They wanna punish you for it, but that isn’t fair,” Levi tells her.  “You’re not asking for extra here, Mari. You’re asking for what’s yours.”

 

“They used to talk to me...like Brandon...used to talk to Jesus…” Mariana remembers.

 

“How did Brandon used to talk to Jesus?” Levi asks.

 

“Called him the king and your majesty...acted like his basic needs were…”

 

“Like he was asking for a golden pony?” Levi asks.

 

Mariana smiles in spite of herself.  “Yeah. So...they went through this phase where they called me Princess.  They always used to tease me about...liking...fancy stuff I guess? But like...this was different. They were...mocking me…  Saying what I needed was ridiculous…”

 

“That’s why you hate nicknames?” Levi guesses.

 

Mariana nods.  She lets out a breath.  “Okay. Seriously. I’m being the rudest ever.  How are you?”

 

“I’m okay.  It’s okay if I’m here for you.  You don’t need to turn it back around right away.”

 

“I need to care about other people...or they leave…” Mariana tells him.

 

“Mariana?” 

 

He waits until she glances up at him.  

 

“What?” she asks.

 

“I’m not going anywhere,” he promises. 

 

Mariana sighs, frustrated with herself.  She wishes she could just get herself together so they could go back, and she wouldn’t have to feel like this.  She wipes her eyes. “You can,” she says, waving him toward Jesus’s door.

 

“No.  I can’t,” Levi tells her, pulling up a chair opposite her so they’re at eye level. 

 

“You can, you just won’t…” Mariana manages, her tone dark.

 

Levi nods.  “I’m sorry your family calls you names.  I won’t do that, okay? I promise.”

 

His words swirl around in her head, making Mariana’s thoughts catch on something else.  She takes a breath. Hopes the words are there. Hopes Levi’s patience is there. That he hasn’t suddenly run out.

 

Mariana opens her mouth.  Closes it.

 

Levi squints.  “I’m listening,” he tells her, though she has yet to speak.

 

“I had another thing for the thing…” she tells him.  Heat floods her face. She’s holding her breath. Just waiting for Levi to laugh at her expense.  At her completely unclear meaning.

 

“You had another thing for…?” Levi prompts, no trace of a smile anywhere.  Just concentration. On what she’s saying.

 

“What?” she asks, having lost her train of thought observing how thoughtful Levi is.  That the way he treats her is night and day different from the way Stef treats her, and Lena, and Brandon.  

 

“You said that you had another thing for the thing?” Levi asks.

 

“Oh yeah,” Mariana nods.

 

“So, you had another thing for...what?” Levi wonders again.

 

“For the thing.  The paper. The list.” Mariana tries.

 

“You had another thing to add to the list?” Levi clarifies.

 

Mariana nods.

 

“What’s the list about?” Levi checks.

 

“The ones we switch.  With each other. I gave it to you.” Mariana attempts to explain.  Words are even harder when they’re about something stressful...which..this is.

 

“Okay, so maybe the boundary lists?  You have another boundary to add to your list?” he asks, and she watches, flabbergasted as he takes the boundary list out of his pocket.  He offers it to her. With the pen behind his ear.

 

Mariana hesitates.  “Ugh,” she groans, frustrated.  “I need Google.”

 

But Google doesn’t get her any closer.  She does seven Google searches. 

 

Finally, she sighs.  “It’s fine,” she sighs, defeated.  “We can be done.”

 

“Can I see your phone?” Levi asks.

 

Mariana hands it over, all the recent searches visible on a million tabs.

 

“ _ To call someone mine, mine, mine significant other _ …” Levi reads under his breath.  “So...I’m gonna guess, based on these results, that you don’t want me to say this about you?”

 

“It’s like…” Mariana hesitates.  “Yes, but not exactly?”

 

“Okay, so maybe we’re on the right track?” Levi asks again.

 

Mariana nods.

 

He glances up.  “I don’t wanna be done until I know what your boundary is.”  Levi’s attention is back on the screen. “Does someone do this?” he asks.

 

Mariana nods.

 

“Can you tell me who?”

 

“Moms…” Mariana admits.

 

“Your moms call you _ theirs _ ....” Levi trails off, thinking again.  “Is it the thing where they’re always calling you my  _ daughter _ ?  Like, how they don’t use your name a whole lot?” Levi asks.

 

Mariana nods, pointing at him with the pen.  “That.”

 

“So, your boundary for us...would probably be something like…”  He takes a piece of scrap paper from a notepad on Jesus’s table.  Writes:

 

_ Claiming / ownership language (“My girlfriend / Mine”) - No _

 

Mariana nods and copies down the line onto her own list.

 

She exhales.  It feels like she can finally breathe.  “Thanks. For figuring that out with me.”

 

“Of course.  It’s important,” Levi nods.

 

\--

 

Back in their apartment, Levi goes in first.  The noise level’s still pretty high. Before they came back down, Mariana consented to Levi saying something to them.  Once he finishes, he’ll stick his head out, so Mariana knows it’s safe to come in.

 

“Hey guys?” Levi asks.  “Guys!” Levi says a little louder when they don’t turn right away.  Francesca’s laughing. Pearl’s in the midst of a story, and Jesus keeps jumping in to ask questions.  Dominique, Michael and Jaimie are laughing, too.

 

They all turn.

 

“What’s up?” Jesus asks.

 

“So, Mariana asked if we could tone down the noise.  It’s a lot for her. So, if we can keep the volume down?  Do our best to talk one at a time? Remember how amazing pauses are?  And keep the TV off if we are talking? That’d really help.”

 

Francesca slaps her forehead.  “I can’t believe I forgot Mariana’s accommodations.  I’m saying I’m sorry right now…” she says decidedly, getting up.

 

As for the rest?  It’s literally like someone’s adjusted their volume.  They speak softer. Take turns speaking.

 

Levi sticks his head out and nods at her.  Mariana comes in. Looks around, self-conscious.  

 

“Sorry for ruining the fun…” she ventures.

 

“You didn’t,” Fran tells her seriously.  “It’s not fun unless everybody’s having it.  I’m really sorry for not like...remembering your accommodations or doing them.  You should feel safe with us.”

 

“Thanks.  I feel better now,” Mariana says, and joins Fran and Levi sitting with the group.

 

“What story are you telling?” Levi asks.

 

“Oh, it’s nothing,” Pearl says. She’s cagey.  Guilty.

 

“Okay...did I miss something?” Levi asks, a little testy.  He hates the feeling that he’s just been discussed behind his back, and that is definitely the vibe he’s getting right now.

 

“Don’t worry about it,” Pearl insists.  “Accommodations, remember?”

 

“What’s that mean?” Levi asks quietly.

 

“Dude.  She wasn’t talking about you, alright?” Jesus encourages.  “It’s okay.”

 

“Good, ‘cause I was pretty sure that wasn’t something we did,” Levi warns.

 

“It’s not, and I didn’t,” Pearl says back a little annoyed, too.

 

Her tone eerily is eerily similar to Carla’s right now.  How irritated she is. Her crossed arms.

 

“She wasn’t,” Fran insists.  “She was just telling us a story about something her mom did…”

 

Levi’s eyes flash.  He feels betrayal rising in him fast, but this is supposed to be a good time.  All of them together. So, Levi breathes and gets himself under control.

 

“So, what’s the story?” he asks. “Don’t stop on my account,” he invites.

 

Silence.

 

“Seriously.  I’m gone for three seconds,” Levi begs, his composure already falling away.  “You know my history with her, Pearl.” Levi pauses. “Why would you laugh?” to Dominique this time. And to Francesca.

 

“Because she’s in jail for some ridiculous money thing…” Jesus breaks first.  Unexpected. “And...we thought it was pretty appropriate...considering…”

 

“How long?” Levi insists, leveling his gaze at Pearl.

 

“I don’t know yet.  Jail is literally all I know.  I would guess a few months? Maybe six?”

 

“So, you think it’s appropriate that she spend six months in jail for some money thing.”

 

“No, but Levi, we do think it’s an appropriate place for her.  She’s terrible.” Pearl maintains. “Should she be there for a heck of a lot longer?  Absolutely. I’m just glad none of us have to worry about her right now.”

 

“Well good, then.” Levi nods, stiff.  “I’m glad you don’t have to worry about her anymore, because I sure as hell do.  I’m out. Do what you want.”

 

Levi grabs his keys from the table and heads back out.  He can hear Mariana following him.

 

“Levi,” she says, but he doesn’t turn.  

 

He’s at the front doors.

 

“Levi.”

 

Out.  In the parking lot.

 

“Levi.”

 

At his car.  

 

“ _ Levi. _ _ Stop _ ,” Mariana insists so intensely that he turns.  She has her hand out for his keys. She’s moved between him and the car.

 

He holds them tighter.  “Mari, don’t okay? I’m fine.  Just… don’t make this a thing…”

 

Her eyes darken, and Levi instantly knows he’s said the wrong thing.  Knows accusing her of overreacting is something Stef and Lena did a lot of.  But a small, not so kind part of him is hoping that it works and it will drive her away.

 

But Mariana’s still blocking the driver’s side of his car, determined.

 

“Give them to me,” she says seriously.  

 

Levi doesn’t. 

 

“Give them to me,” Mariana repeats calmly.  (It helps so much that she’s calm. But he literally can’t comply.  Not right now.)

 

He doesn’t move.

 

Mariana steps forward.  Takes his hand in hers. Uncurls his fingers and pockets his keys.  Then, she starts to walk.

 

Levi has no choice but to follow her.  

 

\--

 

Levi has no idea where Mariana’s headed, but when he can’t trust anything else, he knows he can trust her.  They walk a little while, until come up to the Coffee Corner - perfect place for coffee cake and coffee - since they missed out on Michael’s.  

 

Because Levi just can’t keep it together.

 

Mariana orders coffee and cinnamon swirl coffee cake, and then takes it around the low wall.  The more private area isn’t reserved, and Levi watches as Mariana’s hand comes up from behind the wall (like Thing) and posts the sign.  Must’ve asked for it.

 

Good idea.  

 

(Even though it’s not busy in here, Levi always prefers privacy over no privacy.)

 

He can’t eat anything right now, so Levi just slowly walks into the walled off section of the shop and sits in one of the comfy chairs, right beside Mari.  They stare straight ahead, not at each other. They don’t touch.

 

“It  _ is  _ a thing,” Mariana says softly, after draining a good amount of her coffee.  

 

“I know,” Levi acknowledges, chastened.  “I know it is. I just...didn’t want it to be.”  A pause. Then, “I’m sorry. For saying you were making it one.” he says wearily.

 

“Me, too,” she confirms.  “For touching you without consent.  I just...didn’t want you doing that,” she says looking toward the parking lot.  “Not after what happened to me.”

 

“You were right to.  Safety.” Levi admits.

 

“I know it doesn’t do any good,” Mariana says, her tone sympathetic.

 

Levi looks at her, questions in his eyes.

 

“Where they are?  You know, jail or whatever?  It doesn’t mean anything… Not really,” she sighs.  

 

“Yeah…  That’s basically how it feels.  She’s got everybody fooled. Always has.  And now she’s in jail for something completely unrelated.  She’ll probably end up getting off early or something…” Levi remarks, angry, but controlling it.

 

“If it helps?  I hate her,” Mariana offers.  “And I didn’t laugh.”

 

“That does,” Levi nods.  “It just...sucks? Like knowing we just did boundary stuff, and I just had told you that I don’t wanna be manipulated, and then it’s like…”

 

“They’re talking about her…” Mariana bristles.  

 

“So it’s like she’s here,” Levi shudders.

 

“Gross,” Mariana confirms.  She takes a bite of coffee cake.  Chews thoughtfully and then offers.  “She’s not here. You’re okay. It’s why you moved, right?  To put as many miles as possible between you and her?”

 

“Yeah, and so Pearl could put as many miles between her and whatshisname.  (Levi knows his name, but won’t ever say it, because it just makes him so pissed off.)  He sighs. “I guess I overreacted?”

 

“You were triggered,” Mariana reminds.

 

“I suppose I should apologize to everybody…” he ventures.  “For ruining dinner.”

 

“You didn’t.  We left because of me in the first place.  That’s why they had time to discuss Peanut Butter Cookie,” Mariana insists, and Levi’s startled to hear her use the old code name that Mariana had once given Carla, after learning she made the world’s most triggering peanut butter cookies.

 

“You had a reason to leave, Mariana,” Levi tells her.

 

“You did, too.  So maybe it’s not our fault,” Mariana offers.  “And we can go back. But there’s no rush.”

 

“Good coffee?” he asks.

 

“So good,” she insists, offering the cup silently.

 

“No, thanks.  But I  _ will _ try some cake, if you’re offering,” Levi says, smiling.

 

“Of course.” She nods.  

 

One of the million things he loves about Mariana is that she not only remembers his boundaries, she adapts her approach, so that they can still share food if they want to.  He gets what she’s doing right now. Not being overt about it.

 

But she still finds a way.

 

That’s the thing about Mariana...she always finds a way to let him know she cares.

 

\--

 

The Coffee Corner isn’t Mariana’s first choice for somewhere to be.  That’s always home. Just her and Levi and a whole lot of nothing going on.  But as far as second choices? Right now, this coffee shop is pretty good.

 

It’s not busy, so there’s not a ton of drink-making happening or excess talking.  There’s Christmas music playing in the background that makes Mariana glad Jesus isn’t here.  But the music’s fairly low. And the lighting is weirdly dim over here where they’re sitting.  

 

It all helps.

 

She lets Levi have half her cake.  When she takes it back, he finally gives in, gets up and orders a piece for himself, and an English Breakfast tea.

 

“Does it bother you?  That, like...our relationship is sloth-speed?” Mariana asks using Fran’s age-old term for everything slow.

 

“Mariana, I kind of need it to be,” Levi tells her honestly.  “I’ve never really done this before.”

 

“And I have...but not...not like this.  With papers and feelings and whatever…” Mariana admits.

 

“I hope this way is better,” Levi says.

 

“Yeah...but it’s...different…” Mariana ventures.  “Everything else? I mean, I dated a few guys in high school…”  

 

Mariana cringes remembering a particularly dangerous low point as a freshman, where she’d been advised to put her panties the pocket of a guy she liked.  Mariana had naively assumed they’d make out. It had been humiliating. Moms’ lecture after the fact had been worse.

 

Finally, she continues: “But the ones who stand out?  Were the ones who...did all the no-things on the list.  Who laughed when I said no because they thought it was funny.”

 

“It’s not.  I would never break your boundaries, Mariana.  And I definitely wouldn’t laugh about it.”

 

“Right.  So I’m saying…  This? With you?  Kinda feels like my first, too,” Mariana admits.  “So you don’t have to feel weird.”

 

“I don’t,” Levi assures.  “And I don’t mind at all that we’re taking things slow.”

 

They’re quiet a while.  Mariana gets a strong urge to kiss Levi’s hand.  But he hasn’t said anything about hand-kisses in his boundaries.

 

“Do you think The Avoiders are pissed at me?” Levi asks, as Mari moves away from him, bit by bit.  He stops talking. Studies her. “Are you okay?”

 

“Yeah...I just...really wanna kiss your hand?” she cringes.  “I’m sorry, and I know it’s not in the thing. Just your headface whatever…” she gestures in a circle with her hand in the general direction of Levi’s face.  “I’m sorry.”

 

“You can kiss my hand,” Levi nods.  

 

“Really?” Mariana asks in a small voice.

 

“Yeah.  Go for it, I mean, when you’re ready.  If you want.” Levi asks.

 

“Just...can you keep talking?” she asks.  “Like, it’s pressure now…”

 

“Oh, I was just saying do you think The Avoiders are gonna be mad that I had us bail right in the middle of everything.  Some host, right?” Levi remarks, derisively.

 

And then, the moment feels right again.  Mariana quietly interlaces her fingers with his, bringing the back of Levi’s hand to her lips.

 

“You don’t think they’re mad?” Levi asks, looking Mari in the eyes.

 

She shakes her head, loving that he always accepts her nonverbal communication is just as valid as having a spoken conversation.  They write. They text. It all matters. A kiss on the hand is reassurance. And care. And “I don’t think they’re mad.” And Levi gets that.

 

It’s such a relief after years of being invalidated.

 

\--

 

It’s already pretty dark out by the time Levi decides he and Mariana should head back.  He’s wishing hard for Pearl’s LED hat she always talks about (though it hasn’t worked in years) to help light their way.

 

Mariana slips her hand in his as they walk, as much for security as connection, and she hands Levi his keys as soon as they’re inside the apartment with good lighting.

 

There’s an actual sticky-note on the outside of their apartment door that reads, in Pearl’s writing:

 

I’m waiting up if you want to talk.

 

Levi exchanges a glance with Mariana.  

 

“Do you want to?” she asks.

 

“I mean, I probably should?” he says.  “But I wanna change first.”

 

He and Mariana go inside, surprised to find their apartment spotless, except for half a pot of coffee and leftover coffee cake in the fridge.

 

Both retreat to their respective rooms and change into sweats before riding the elevator up to the second floor and knocking on Pearl’s door lightly.

 

“Hey,” she says, pulling it open.  “You’re back.” She opens the door wider, inviting them in and holding tight to Cleo who smells other animals in the hall and wants to go investigate.  

 

Once Levi and Mariana are inside, Pearl closes the door behind them.

 

All three pull out chairs at Pearl’s table and sit.

 

Finally, Pearl speaks.  “I’m sorry. For making light of the situation with my mother.  For waiting until you were gone to bring her up. I wasn’t intentionally trying to talk about her behind your back.  The subject honestly just came up, the way a lot of subjects do. But I can see how it seemed to you.”

 

“You can’t,” Levi objects quietly.  “You can’t because you didn’t talk about it to me.  You made it into a joke.”

 

Levi can tell that Pearl is struggling to just sit and listen right now.  To take in what he’s saying without commenting. She’s literally pressing her lips together.

 

“I don’t mind it if you talk about her...but it’s worse…” Levi trails off, looking at Mariana for help.

 

“Secrets make it worse,” she fills in.

 

“So, in trying to protect you and respect your trauma history, I actually hurt you,” Pearl deduces.  “God, you’d think after all these years, I’d learn…”

 

Levi takes a breath, glancing at Mariana.  Her nod gives him the courage to go forward.

 

“I asked,” he finally manages.  “It’s not respecting me if I ask you a question and you dodge it.  That’s when it feels….well...honestly it kinda feels like you’re protecting  _ her  _ from my reaction.” Levi admits.  “Which, it does make sense because she is your mom.  But at the same time? You said you believed me. You said you wanted nothing to do with her.  So the…”

 

“Mixed messages,” Mariana offers.

 

“They’re, like, messing with my mind.” Levi admits.

 

Pearl breathes.  “So I’m being inconsistent,” she concludes.  It’s not even a question. “My behavior is making you question whether I’ve gone back on my word?  Whether I believe you?”

 

“Whether you’re still on my side,” Levi admits.  “Or you defected.”

 

“Okay, well, I can promise you this.  I didn’t defect. I definitely didn’t handle the situation correctly, but I didn’t defect.  Instead of apologizing for triggering you, I got defensive. I am sorry, Levi. And Mariana, if our laughing triggered you.”

 

Levi’s only a little surprised when Mariana nods a confirmation.

 

“Do you need anything else?” Pearl asks, looking from face to face.  “From me? Do you have questions? Need anything clarified?”

 

“No...but I do wanna tell you something,” Levi says quietly.

 

But first, he leans over and whispers to Mariana, asking if she’s okay with him sharing this, even though it isn’t directly about her.  

 

Mariana nods.

 

“The thing is?  All of you were so happy, you know, that she’s in jail?  And it’s not really like that for me. Her being behind bars, for a totally unrelated crime, for way less time than she’s meant to be there?  That doesn’t reassure me. Because she lives in my head, Pearl.”

 

Pearl’s totally focused on Levi, and not on planning her response.  Levi takes this as a good sign, and keeps talking:

 

“She’s there in my sleep, she’s there at work, whenever a white lady stares me down or talks about bathing suits.  She’s there...all the time. Not as much as in the beginning. Definitely not as much since we moved. But I don’t get a break from her.  It’s not funny to me. No matter where she is.”

 

“So, all of us laughing - and defending our laughter - was really cruel then,” Pearl surmises.

 

Levi looks away.  “I didn’t say it,” he mutters.

 

“It was,” Mari confirms fiercely, looking Pearl in the eye.  “I’ll say it.”

 

“I’m so sorry, Levi. I’m so sorry, Mariana.  We should have been more sensitive, regardless of who was or wasn’t around.  Most of us have history with sexual assault in The Avoiders. So that alone should make us more tuned in to each other, and what’s okay to bring up in a large group situation.  Because…” Pearl pauses, thoughtful. “It’s entirely possible some of the rest of us were uncomfortable, too, but maybe just laughed along.”

 

Levi’s studying the grain of Pearl’s table but listening.  “Yeah, it is,” he confirms. He glances up. “Are you gonna do that again?” he asks.

 

“No, I won’t,” Pearl promises.

 

Levi nods and stands up.  He’s on his way to the door, Mariana by his side, when he turns.  

 

“When you, like, get annoyed..and you cross your arms…  Get, like, defensive? That really reminds me of her. So, I’m not saying don’t have feelings, just…”

 

“Just be aware,” Pearl nods.  “I understand. And I’m sorry about that, too.  I’ll do my best to minimize the arm-crossing, just because that’s not an actual human emotion and I despise it, too.”

 

“Thanks,” Levi nods.

 

\--

 

“Do you feel better?” Mariana asks, once they’re back in their own space.

 

They’re back in the favorite spot, sitting close on the couch, eating Michael’s coffee cake to see how it compares to Coffee Corner’s.

 

“Michael’s,” they both chorus again after trying a bite.

 

“Yeah, a little.  I still feel...I don’t know...like hurt maybe?  That it happened at all?”

 

Mariana nods.  “Makes sense. But, for me?  When people make, like, huge fuck-ups?  I’m like...’ _ Should I ever trust you again? _ ’”

 

“You’ve had plenty of people show you that trusting them is dangerous.  But it is different - I think - than our friends making an honest mistake.  Even if it hurt us a lot.” Levi ponders.

 

“Really good,” Mariana comments, a smile on her face.

 

“What do you mean?” Levi asks, smiling back.  “The coffee cake, or?”

 

“No!” she laughs.  “ _ You _ !   _ You’re  _ really good.  Like you say the things and they all make sense.  You think about how everybody else is feeling,” Mariana sighs.  It’s getting late, which means her stamina for word-finding is dropping and her circumlocuting is at an all time high.  Luckily, Levi has never minded.

 

“Thanks.  You’re sweet.  I appreciate that...and you taking my keys and being there for me...and talking to Pearl with me.  You didn’t have to.”

 

“I did,” Mariana objects.  “Backup, right?”

 

“Yeah, I guess you’re right…” Levi nods.  “I’m not sure why it always feels like everybody else should definitely have support and for me...sometimes...it feels like I shouldn’t….”

 

“You had a lot of people telling you you shouldn’t,” Mariana says, stuck on a version of what Levi said earlier.  “Not exactly. But like...I mean, Peanut Butter Cookie?”

 

“Right,” Levi nods, like it’s all starting to make sense.  “Maybe thinking about that made me feel like I felt then. Where I didn’t have help.  So I felt like I should get by without it.”

 

“I think, yeah,” Mariana agrees.

 

“You’re so smart,” Levi comments, looking Mariana in the eyes.

 

“Stop,” she waves off the praise.

 

“No, you are.” Levi insists.  “What did you used to tell Fran?  You wouldn’t give her fake praise, right?  I’ll never give that to you.”

 

“No one says that anymore,” Mariana insists, her voice soft.  “Not since before…”

 

Before her accident at 21, she had been the smart one.  Always. Math genius. On the STEM club. Building robots.  Almost going to Worlds. Acing just about everything she tried.  

 

It’s been eleven years since anyone has used that word about her...and meant it.

 

“Well, I’m saying it.  And I mean it. Unless it makes you really uncomfortable and you’d rather I didn’t.” Levi amends.

 

Mariana considers this.  “Did you mean it?” she asks, even though he just said he did.

 

“Yes, I meant it.  We don’t lie to each other,” Levi reminds her.

 

Mariana settles in, her head against his shoulder.  “You can say it then,” she agrees.

 

“Alright, then, I will,” Levi says, soft.

 

It feels so good to be here, just the two of them, with Levi’s arm around her.

 

\--

 

The next morning, Levi wakes up to find a husband-and-wife apology video from Jaimie and Michael.  Michael apologizes for the bad timing and poor taste. It’s Jaimie who acknowledges they don’t know the whole story - and they’re not asking - but they’re sorry.  For hurting Levi, and Mariana, too.

 

Next is a video from Francesca, quietly apologizing, too.  An angry part of Levi rises up inside as he remembers how quick she was to go to Mari and apologize in person.  To mean it. But for him? A more impersonal apology and hours later.

 

It’s not that he wants everybody to come around and grovel.  He doesn’t. And that would be super uncomfortable, besides. It’s that he’s still not feeling the greatest about what happened last night.  Still raw, and more than a little vulnerable.

 

Levi’s up for a couple hours just hanging out on the couch, checking his phone, when Mariana finally gets up.  He’s kept the blinds down. Hopes it’ll help her wake up gradually, and not all at once.

 

“Morning,” he says.

 

She goes out to the kitchen.  Brews a whole pot of coffee and pours herself one, walking back to the couch to set it down on an end table before she greets him back.  “Hi.”

 

They sit in comfortable silence while Mariana eats Cheez Whiz toast, and drinks her coffee.  Sitting this close to her eating breakfast, actually makes Levi hungry and he gets up for his own breakfast.  He comes back with matching Cheez Whiz toast and a cup of tea.

 

“So...if I open those…” Mariana gestures to the untouched box of Mom-presents by their tree.  “Just to see what’s inside? Can you help me throw them away after?”

 

“Sure,” Levi offers.  It’s not entirely clear to him why Mariana would want to open them up in the first place.  Then, he thinks of her words to Pearl last night - about secrets making things worse - and it all kinda fits.  She’d always rather know.

 

So, Mariana opens cheap potholders, ridiculously smelly candles, some lotion she actually wanted, and clothes...all the wrong size.  (Embarrassing.) She gets a robe and he has to look away.

 

“Are you...keeping that?” he asks.  His eyes still averted.

 

“No, it’s blue…” Mariana cringes.  “Oh,” she says after a bit. “I’ll throw it.  Hold on.”

 

Levi listens to Mariana opening the door and legitimately walking next door to where the Dumpster is kept - in the apartment’s small garage - and tosses it in there.

 

“Sorry.”  Mariana apologizes again, squirting some sanitizer on her hands and working it in.  “I know robes are...not your thing…”

 

He smiles a little.  “Good idea to disinfect.”

 

Mariana opens the rest of her own stuff fast and then is ready to bring it all next door to the Dumpster.  

 

“What are you gonna do with yours?” she checks.

 

“Why?” Levi asks.

 

“Jesus was gonna stop by.  I just wanted to make sure they were gone by then.  I hate having them in my room.”

 

“Oh.  I’ll just toss them if you’re okay with not seeing what’s inside,” Levi says.

 

“Yeah.  They’re not mine to see inside of,” Mariana insists.

 

\--

 

They’re just coming back from the Dumpster when Levi hears the familiar clinking of Dudley’s tags.  He turns. “Hey, you,” he greets the dog, warmly. He stands up. “Hey,” he says to Jesus.

 

“We’re not dressed yet, sorry,” Mariana apologizes as all three of them and Dudley make it back to the apartment.

 

“Sweats count,” Jesus defends.  He sits down at their kitchen table and Levi and Mariana join him.  “So, I don’t know if you’re up for talking about last night…” Jesus ventures.  “But I kinda need to.”

 

“Okay…” Levi says, a little wary.

 

“I know you were probably triggered as hell when you came back in, and we were all talking about her,” Jesus says, nodding at Levi.  “I wanted to say I’m sorry.”

 

Levi swallows.  Nods.

 

“I know what it’s like...having everybody think that the person who destroyed your life is just, like, gossip, or whatever.  I know what it’s like having them defend him. I even know what it’s like when he’s in jail…”

 

Levi glances up, surprised.

 

“Didn’t really do a whole lot to reassure me…” Jesus admits.

 

“No, me either,” Levi confesses.

 

“Because he had me convinced that he could get away with anything.  And he had. You know? For years, no one caught him. When he was in jail, I thought, he’s gonna break out.  Come and kill me for telling.”

 

Levi catches sight of Mariana’s mouth dropping open.  They haven’t talked about this.

 

“Then, he killed himself,” Jesus shrugs, a little distant now.  Dudley’s perked up. His head’s in Jesus’s lap. “I wanted him to know what it was like...to be trapped.  To not have any freedom. But he got out of it. For a long time, I thought he won…”

 

“Going to jail for an unrelated, lesser crime isn’t exactly justice…” Levi ventures.

 

“I know,” Jesus nods, his eyes haunted.  “Listen, I wasn’t comfortable with what Pearl was discussing.  Especially knowing what her mom is. But...the only thing I could think to do was to ask questions.  I was trying to get Pearl to think twice about what she was saying, while still keeping it a space where we can all share if we want to.”

 

“You don’t have to defend yourself,” Levi says.

 

“No, I do,” Jesus insists.  “Because I do actually get what it’s like...to know my abuser’s in jail...but to not be able to take any comfort in that…  So I should’ve spoken up. Or left with you guys.”

 

“It helps, a little,” Levi admits.  “To hear you know what it’s like? Even though it’s terrible and I wouldn’t wish it on anybody.”

 

“Yeah…” Jesus nods.  “Anyway, I don’t wanna intrude.  I just wanted to come by and say I’m sorry.”

 

“It’s cool,” Levi insists, standing and embracing Jesus, after a brief raised eyebrow from Levi and a nod from Jesus.

 

“We’re cool?” Jesus asks, mid-hug.

 

“We’re cool,” Levi confirms.  “Thanks for coming down.”

 

\--

 

Later that afternoon, Mariana’s more than a little surprised to hear another knock at their door.  She gets up to see who it is, and is even more shocked to see Dominique standing in the hall, Ernie in her arms.

 

“Hey…” Mariana greets.  “Levi’s here. Do you wanna come in?”

 

Dominique nods.

 

Levi glances up from the TV and quickly shuts it off when he sees Dom and Ernie.  “Hey,” he greets.

 

“I laughed and I’m an ass,” Dominique states, blunt as ever.  “And I’m really sorry,” she adds, alarmed that she could have forgotten such a vital part of her apology.

 

She sits down on the opposite end of the couch from Levi.  Mariana sits in the middle, knowing Dominique’s preference.

 

“Yeah, we’ve had a lot of apologies today...and last night,” Levi acknowledges.

 

“Yeah, but do they mean anything?” Dominique presses.  “The damage is already done.”

 

“Why did you laugh?” Mariana asks.  “Did you actually think it was funny, what Pearl was saying?”

 

Dominique’s quiet thinking, as Ernie purrs and makes himself comfortable across the back of her shoulders.  She reaches up to pet him. “Does it matter?” she finally asks.

 

Mariana looks at Levi.  “Does it?”

 

“Well, yeah.  I don’t think you’re an ass, so if you wanna tell me why you laughed, that would help clarify a lot of stuff.  I had the thought that some people,” here, Mariana notices Levi looking Dominique in the eye, “laughed just because everyone else was.  But inside, maybe they weren’t comfortable with what was going on?”

 

“Kinda,” Dominique admits.  “Listen, Levi, you know how I feel about her.  So, the minute Pearl brought her up, it made things blurry.  And I found myself just...going along…”

 

“You felt submissive,” Mariana gathers.

 

Dominique nods.  “So, you laugh, even if you don’t think something’s funny.  ‘Cause the most important thing is their ego. My dad was there, Jesus was there, and that made things complicated, even though my mom and Pearl and Fran and I were also there.  It’s not an excuse, but I was in survival mode when y’all came in.”

 

“I get that,” Mariana nods.

 

“I get it, too,” Levi agrees.  “I know I kinda called you out last night, and I’m sorry about that.  I was just...really confused. Seeing what was happening...kinda felt like a giant betrayal.”

 

“Makes sense,” Dominique nods.  “How are things with Levriana?” she asks, a glint in her eyes.

 

“What?”” Mariana asks, laughing.

 

“Levriana!” Levi cracks up.  “Oh, my God…” 

 

When Levi collects himself he nods at Mari, letting her lead.  

 

Mariana’s glad he remembers her nerves around him sharing.  About their relationship becoming nothing more than entertainment and gossip for their friends, as they had been for Moms.

 

“We’re doing okay, I think,” Mariana offers cautiously.

 

(They’re doing more than okay, to Mariana’s way of thinking, but this is all she feels comfortable sharing, even though Dominique probably knows more than any of The Avoiders about their relationship - as both she and Levi confide in her.)

 

“What do you think?” Mariana nods at Levi.

 

“Yeah, I’d agree,” he says, following her lead.

 

“How are you?” Mariana asks Dom.

 

“Okay from the blurriness?” Levi asks, sympathetic.

 

“I mean, I guess, yeah.  It takes a little bit to, like, get my head back.  But less time now than it used to. Still not great, though,” Dominique grimaces.  “To feel back there.”

 

“Yeah,” Mariana agrees.  “Need anything?”

 

Dominique laughs.  “All these years later?  And I still really wouldn’t know…” she admits.  “It’s weird.”

 

“You know we love you, though, right?  Like, the friend way?” Mariana asks. “‘Cause we do.”

 

Dominique cracks a smile.  “Yeah, I know. I love y’all, too.  Thanks.”

 

“And we’re sorry you were triggered.” Levi says.

 

“You sure you don’t hate me?” she asks, studying him carefully.

 

“A hundred percent positive,” Levi assures.

 

“I know how it is when that happens.  Not exactly...but…” Mariana clarifies.  “Just that...I get that it wasn’t a choice you made.”

 

“It kinda was…” Dominique insists in a small voice.

 

“It wasn’t,” Mariana tells her, sure.  “Because if you felt like you had to laugh...to like...stay safe or whatever?  That’s not really a choice. It’s you in survival mode. Like you said.”

 

“You’re way more forgiving than most…” Dominique ventures.

 

“Actually, I’m not,” Mariana says, smiling.  “Levi and I were just talking about it. Well, _ I _ was talking about it.  He was trying to show me...like...how to step back…”

 

“Just trying to offer a little perspective,” Levi reassures.

 

“See, that’s why you make a great team,” Dominique smiles again, but Mariana can see the sadness it’s hiding.

 

“What’s really going on?” Mariana asks.

 

Dominique shrugs.  “I’m sad I missed a Christmas?” she offers, in a small voice.  “When I was a kid? And it’s not like I never thought about it but just...I don’t know...I’ve been really sad about it,” she admits.

 

Mariana offers her arms and she’s surprised Dominique goes into them.  Ernie jumps down from her shoulders. Tries to wedge his way onto Dominique’s lap.  

 

Behind them, Mariana knows Levi’s backing off, for Dominique’s sake.

 

Mariana swallows every single platitude, knowing they’ll do nothing for Dominique.  

 

Knowing that she never has to miss another one won’t take away the pain she feels at having missed the one she did miss.  

 

After a minute or so, Dominique pulls back.  Her eyes are still full of tears, but she gathers up Ernie.  Nods at Levi and then heads back to her own apartment upstairs.

 

\--

 

It’s some days later.

 

On New Year’s Eve, Mariana’s back on the couch that night, with an old notebook from Levi, poring over his haikus.  Levi had sent them as a birthday gift - 23 feels like a lifetime ago - both she and Levi are older than she was then.  She could have never imagined her future, or the life she’d get to make with Levi. The life they’d get to make together.

 

“Wow, I can’t believe that you still have that…” Levi exclaims softly.

 

“Of course, I do,” Mariana says, surprised he would think otherwise.  “These kept me going. Like...when we were apart? It made me feel like you were there with me.”

 

Mariana knows what it looks like by now.  The cover of the cardboard book has a permanent crease in the middle.  The spine gives easily after years of being folded open. And the pages inside don’t lay flat against each other anymore.  They’re worn. In the best way. Luckily the pen ink Levi used has never faded.

 

“Wow, I bet these are so bad,” Levi remarks.

 

“Shut up.  They are not,” Mariana objects, scooting closer to him, and resting her head on his shoulder.  “I love them. I wouldn’t want any of them any different.”

 

“That’s because you’re the best,” Levi says, stopping himself just short of kissing Mariana on the head.

 

She surprises him, by moving slightly, turning her face toward his.  “I really wanna kiss you...but I’m kinda scared…” Mariana admits.

 

“Any guilt?” Levi checks.

 

“No, just...it’s been a long time...high school maybe...since a good kiss.  One that wasn’t guilty or jealous or whatever… And I haven’t kissed anybody since…” Mariana shrugs, hoping that by now Levi knows her unspoken references to her brain injury.  “I hated myself for a long time, after...so I kinda always thought...how can I expect other people to love this me, you know?”

 

“Mariana, I’ve loved this you since I was seventeen.  This you is the person I wanna share my life with. I wanna talk to this you.  Spend time with this you. This you is the you I’m attracted to.”

 

“But you would’ve really liked me before…” Mariana protests.

 

“Maybe,” Levi allows.  “If I met you before, there’s every chance I would have liked you.  Maybe even really liked you. But if this you, and this me weren’t together?  And I saw this you out and about somewhere? I know I’d wish we were.”

 

“Seriously?” Mariana asks.

 

“We don’t lie,” Levi says softly.  “Still wanna kiss me?”

 

“Can I lead?” Mariana questions.

 

“Yeah, of course,” Levi nods. “If you feel uncomfortable, pull back or something, and we’ll stop. Cool?”

 

“You, too,” Mariana nods.

 

“I’ll say mistletoe,” Levi promises, hiding a smile, and Mariana laughs.

 

Soon, though she’s locked in his eyes - earnest and deep - and it’s instinct that draws Mariana’s mouth to his. The kiss is different than any she’s had so far.  She thought she’d be self-conscious that the left half of her mouth and tongue were doing what her right was doing. She is concerned, but more immediately, she’s enjoying the smoothness of Levi’s cleanly shaven face, knowing that stubble would feel like pins and needles against half her skin.

 

“Mmm...shaving accommodations…” Mariana mutters.

 

“What?” Levi asks between kisses.  He’s smiling.

 

She pulls back and touches his jaw gently.  “I just love your face,” she tells him honestly.

 

“Your face is the best ever,” Levi agrees, and leans in again.  “Wait. You still good with this?”

 

“Kissing,” Mariana intones, like she’s reading off her own boundary list.  “Yes.” She leans in for another kiss and pauses. “You?”

 

“Kissing?  Absolutely, yes.”

 

The New Year comes so quietly that neither one of them notices.  They’re lost in each other. Checking in with each other.

 

And, for Mariana?  It’s all kind of perfect.


End file.
